I'm sorry

[mme_depompadour]

I am so very sorry for lying to miss_gate. It was all his idea. He just wanted her to like me. As did I. I do daft things out of love for him, because I don't know what else to do. I just don't want to lose him.

He told me he wanted to get rid of one of his humans and he made a list and a graph and everything and he decided scientifically that I was the best one and he would get rid of Rose. I believed him when he said that that would be the end of it. He is such a liar. Why does he always have to lie?

*cries*

All he's done since then is visit Rose and let her suck his cock tempt him with her mouth and her boobs and her lovely hair, while ex lovers and previously unheard of children keep popping up on a daily basis, all vying for his attention. And he has the attention span of a gnat anyway, he's so easily distracted, bless him. He's all over the place emotionally, I can't keep up anymore.

*wails*





I know it wasn't real, but we were married for a few days and sometimes it almost felt like we were the only two people in the world, and our love mattered and everything was going to be allright forever.

It was so nice. I wish it could be like that all the time.
Listen to me, I've turned into Rose, wanting something he can't possibly give me, I am such a fool.

Maybe miss_gate will let me stay here.


I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm sorry, my angel.

Comments

[agent_harkness]

Comfort sex, ma petite choux?

[mme_depompadour]

*kisses your forehead*

That's very sweet of you, Jack. But not right now. I am a bit emotional.

*sobs*

[agent_harkness]

*comforts in a manly yet chaste way*

[mme_depompadour]

*cries on your shoulder*

What if Miss Gate hates me again? I have nowhere else to go. I can't stay with him. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. What am I going to do?

*wails*

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

What?

[mme_depompadour]

You and your schemes. We should have never lied to your mother. She probably hates me again now. And pretending to be married, that felt so nice, it almost felt real, almost like you loved me and no one else.

I don't mind sharing you, you know I don't, darling, but...
I don't think I can do this anymore. I think I need to get away for a bit.

Please don't hate me, I love you, but you're making me sad. I don't want to be sad. I don't want you to make me sad, I want to look at you and feel happy and secure.

Oh, just ignore me, it's probably just the hormones.
*cries*

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

Oh, she doesn't hate you, my darling cutlet of emotional instability. She thinks you're wonderful. Probably. But she doesn't hate you or anything.



Don'tleavemeplease.

[mme_depompadour]

Of course she does. And it's your fault, you and your stupid lists and plans and charts and graphs. I'm not your bloody science project, you know.


I don't want to leave you. I just don't know what to do anymore. You and your stupid fake marriage, making me feel all special and safe. I want to feel like that all the time.

I don't want to be clingy and needy, because I know you don't like it, so maybe it's better if I just go away for a bit? I don't want to annoy you with my humanness.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

She doesn't hate you! And my charts were a brilliant idea!


Don't leave me, my sparkling silverware of joy. I thought you didn't want to be genuinely married anyway. You said you'd rather die.

Don't leave me. I can cope with your humanness if I try.

[mme_depompadour]

How do you know? She hated me before, she thought I was a whore, and now I've lied to her and I am in exactly the same position as I was before, unmarried and pregnant with an alien child, the only difference being I've pissed her off even more by going along with your stupid fake marriage deception. Nothing good has come out of any of your lists or charts or otherwise. Except the one about the honeymoon sex. I've kept that one to study more in depth at some future point

I don't want to be genuinely married, I want to be a free spirit. But then we pretended and we called each other husband and wife and we cuddled and we were going to go on a honeymoon together, just you and me and I actually quite liked all of that business. And I liked the idea of having you to myself for a bit on our honeymoon. I was all excited. And now it's all been ruined.

I don't want you to have to try. Either you can or you can't cope with my humanness. I can't change what I am.
I don't want to leave you, but it just seems like it's all just a laugh for you sometimes, making silly little lists and life altering decisions like it all just doesn't really mean anything. Like you're some sort of God, and we're all here to cater to your whims.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

But the lying was my idea. She won't blame you for that. She is quite familiar with the stresses of bearing the hybrid child of a cold and heartsless alien lover. See? You have stuff in common.

Do you want me to pretend that we're married? Shall I call you my wife even though you're not? Because I will, if that is what would make you happy, oh gilded teaspoon of desire. And we will go places on our own when we leave here. Nice places.


But. I don't. I try really hard to keep you all happy.

[mme_depompadour]

I hope you're right. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want anyone to hate me.

No. There's no point now.
I'd like that, somewhere nice, just the two of us. You can lull me into a false sense of security when there's no one else around. It's ever so pleasant.

Than why did you get rid of Rose? Why did you have to do that thing with the list and stuff? Why did you do that? Please explain it to me.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

She might even take pity on you because I made you lie. She does that sometimes. Takes sides with people because I did something that upset them in some way. I don't know what she does that, but she does.


Would you like to go to China? Peru? Antarctica? Cardiff? Somewhere else? *handporns*


Does it really matter? It's all sorted out now, isn't it?

[mme_depompadour]

I hope she does that, then.

No. I can't do this anymore. It's not sorted out at all. OF COURSE IT MATTERS!! Why did you have to ruin everything? What is it you want from us? WHY??? Why did you do that? How could you play with us like that with your little list and your "I'm getting rid of a human today just because I can" bit? WHYYYYYYY?

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

WHAT THE SHIT? I didn't ruin anything! I made things better. That's what I do. I fix things, and I fixed this. The list was the only fair way to deal with it.

[mme_depompadour]

FIXED WHAT??? What was broken that you needed to fix by getting rid of one of us? How did that make things better? Do things seem better to you? You and me and Rose in the TARDIS, bickering and then having make up sex, was that really so awful? Compared to being stuck in your mother's Victorian house, because you feel guilty for leaving Rose behind? You don't want her to be sad, so you let her guilt you into letting her suck your cock? That's an improvement? That's a good thing? She becomes ever more manipulative and depressed, you feel more and more guilty, and I feel less and less secure because I know you can't do the one thing you said you wouldn't do, which is let her manipulate you into feeling bad about what you've done. WHO IS HAPPY IN THIS EQUATION? Enlighten me.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

Rose is happy or would be if she was sensible, because she has a secure environment for her child and all the man opportunities available to nineteenth-century women and nice dresses and she doesn't have to be jealous all the time. You are happy because we will be together and have a monopoly on my cock emotions and we will be a family with Fred.

See?

[mme_depompadour]

But Rose isn't happy. She wants to be with you. And yes, I would be happy to be a family with you and Fred, but we're still here, aren't we? If you're so happy with all these sensible arrangements of yours, why are we still here? Why are you still here upsetting Rose and letting her upset you? You can't do this to her. If you need rid of one of us, you're going to have to make a clean break. It's not going to work any other way.

But why do you need to get rid of one of us in the first place?

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

We're going soon, I just need to sort some things out first. After which we all be happy.

I can only keep one of you because. You're too confusing. And we'd have too many babies.

[mme_depompadour]

I'm not coming with you. You can't sort it out so everyone will be happy. It's not going to happen. Besides, it's not your job to make everyone happy all the time. We're humans, we're unhappy sometimes, it's OK, we get over it and we get on with it, that's how we are. Stop trying to fix us all the time to be more emotionally detached like you. We're not like you.

Maybe you should try and understand us a bit better, instead of dumping one of us on your mother. You think we're confusing? What about you?

Get a vasectomy if it worries you that much. You certainly seem to have made enough children to last even a Time Lord's lifetime. So stop. Idiot.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME. I PICKED YOU. BECAUSE I LIKE YOU BEST.

I try to understand you, but you make no fucking sense.

[mme_depompadour]

I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. NOT EVERYTHING IS UP TO YOU. YOU'RE NOT GOD.

I have no desire to discuss this any further. If you like me best that's fine, let's just go. We'll talk about it later when we're alone.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

yeah. but. no. because. but.

i'd be sad if you did that. so you can't... i mean, you shouldn't leave. please.

[mme_depompadour]

OK then, I won't. For now.

But I think we need to get out of this place for a bit. OK?

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

Where would you like to go?

[mme_depompadour]

Anywhere. Just away from here. I don't mind.

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

Cardiff?

[mme_depompadour]

Cheapskate.

*kiss*

Cardiff it is.
What is it with you and Cardiff?

[lonely-god.livejournal.com]

It will be lovely.

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[mme_depompadour]

*wail*

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

*comforts*

*definitely does not tell you off about pushing the doctor away from me only to have the same thing happen to you because that would be harsh*

[mme_depompadour]

*is comforted*

I was worried about him. You're so emotional and it makes him sad, and I just don't want him to be sad. I thought it would be for the best. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. It was nothing to do with you personally, Rose, honest.

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

it's alright. he didn't have to listen to you. i blame him, not you.

[mme_depompadour]

*hugs you*

I love him. I guess you're right about how it kind of does hurt. I'm sorry if he was mean to you. I just wanted him to be happy.

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

so did i. i guess we were both wrong.

[mme_depompadour]

*sniff*

I missed you.

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

*strokes your hair a bit*

i missed you too. except for the times when i hated you. which was most of the time. but apart from that, i missed you too.

[mme_depompadour]

*is stroked*

We had some good times, though, didn't we? Before he messed everything up with his oh, I've decided I must get rid of one of my human pets because I am so emo and sad and I am some sort of list making God business? Why did he have to do that? What was all that about?

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

i think we can stop communicating in strikeout now?

those times were lovely. so lovely. when it was me and you and him together in the tardis. and i've been trying to figure out why he had to chose one of us and i just

don't understand it.

[mme_depompadour]

OK

I don't know why he had to do that. One minute we were just talking normally and the next minute he's all "Oh, I'm going to get rid of one of you, so impress me or you're out" like I've been in The Apprentice all along without knowing it.

Sometimes I think he thinks we're not actually real, just his little sex puppets or something.

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

sometimes, when he looks at you...it feels like you're the only other person in the universe. and it's amazing. it's the most wonderful feeling, of being loved.

and sometimes, he doesn't even see you, standing right in front of him.

[mme_depompadour]

He does that, yeah. It's brilliant isn't it? Like you're the only person in all of time and space that he's ever even remotely cared about in 900 years. He can make you believe it so easily.

I know. Like you don't exist. Like you only exist for him when he needs you to, and other than that, you're not really real. You're not there at all.

[badwolfgrrl2006.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

*holds your hand*

what'll we do with him, eh?

[mme_depompadour]

*sigh*

*strokes your palm*

I don't know. I really don't know anymore.